Day 17 — Strangest Position Group

Two days ago, my 30 Day Countdown piece was about asking the question, “Which of Washington’s position groups is the strongest?”

Then, thanks to an overeagerness to get on to the written action and less-than-20/20 peripheral vision that resulted in mis-reading the title name, UWDP user doogannash had this incongruous experience:

Unfortunately, I do not know the minutiae of these human people’s personal lives including any facets that one could consider “strange,” because I am not an absolute loser creep.

What I do know enough to argue for, however, is if we take doogannash’s misread literally — what is the actual strangest position group in football?

That’s right, folks. It’s the middle of fall camp, I’m bored of actually writing real football thoughts, and today we’re going to dive into some weird meta philosophy.

Today we answer the question:

What is football’s strangest position group?

Kickers

Do you want to do one single task with a small sample size so that every f*ck-up stands out monumentally? Do you want to lie sleepless at night over a mistake that wouldn’t have mattered if all your teammates just did their own job — which they had far more shots at — better? Do you want everyone to take what you do for granted? Do you want to probably not have a scholarship?

Do you want the only human-to-human contact in your game to come when everyone else has shat the bed and now a guy’s barrelling at you with a whole 50 yards of steam and oh by the way if you don’t make this hit everyone will notice? And not only will everyone notice but it will be super embarrassing because you reasonably don’t train for this and also 90% of your body weight is concentrated between your ankles and butt and that body weight is far less than the body weight of the dude coming at you at 500 miles per American hour?

Well, if you answered yes to not just one, but many of those questions, then you are very strange. And you also might have what it takes to be a kicker.

Cornerbacks

Do you want to be the last wrung in any bad scenario where all the wrungs in front of you are just dickin’ around and making you look bad? Do you want fans to hate you because they’re football illiterate and all their turnip-sized brains* can comprehend is that you were closest to the guy who caught the football by no fault of your own?

Do you want to tear your ACL just because some dude changed a direction and now you have to change a direction too? Do you want to be penalized every time you breath on your opponent? Do you want your spindly body to get shitcanned by a running back who probably inspired the Commodores’ song, “Brick House,” on the occasion everyone in front of you screws up and you have to take care of their mess?

If you answered yes to any of those and even more so if you answered yes to all of those, then you are extremely strange. And you might have what it takes to be a cornerback.

*Despite everyone reading this being classified as a “fan,” I am not implying any of you have turnip-sized brains.

Returners

Do you want to run straight at a peloton of humanity that collectively weighs over two tons? Do you want said human mass simultaneously running at you? Do you like experiencing in the blip of a moment G forces over 15 times greater than fighter pilots?

Do you like catching a ball and then praying to sweet lord baby Jesus that there isn’t a stupidly large human man about to level you into Hades’ lair before you can even bring your eyes from looking at the sky to looking forward?

If you answered yes to any and/or all of those questions, then you are horrifically strange. And you might have what it takes to be a punt or kick returner.

Running Backs

Do you want to run into a glob of dudes 150% bigger than you over and over and over and over and over and over and over again? Do you want to end every play on the ground? Do you want to end every season with a knee injury? Do you want your career to be over by the time you’re 24? Do you want to be looked down upon by the media and fans if you take so much as a single step on or off the field to protect yourself because your career will be over by 24 and your knees don’t work?

Do you want to be the fixation of every head coach who romanticizes about “old school football” which just translates to “stupid football”? Do you want to run into an 8-man box down the A gap and get swallowed into the abyss by a 330 lb human man who proceeds to fall on top of you and somehow not break your legs? Do you want to be overused by dumb football coaches so that your body gets broken down even worse and your career is over by 22?

If you answered yes to one or all of these questions, then you are grotesquely strange. And you just might have what it takes to be a running back.

Centers

Do you like starting out every play with a dude’s sweaty hands on your butt? Do you like, the moment your butt is hands-free, having a human Kool-Aid man crush into your face? Do you like having to do more things than the other gigantasaurus rexes on the line next to you but always being overshadowed because they’re bigger and longer-limbed? Do you like being everyone’s line lackey?

Do you like ever, ever so rarely getting to run around in space, breathing in the fresh air free of 2,500 lbs’ worth of manstench that’s been festering for hours in mancave that is the line of scrimmage, only to then be returned three seconds later to your stinky place in your nasty world?

Do you like having a running back fall into your knees from behind at no fault of your own, ruining your mobility for the next nine months? Do you like not being able to walk freely by the time you hit 35?

Well...

*Billy Mays voice*

IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OR MOST OR ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS, YOU ARE MIGHTY MIGHTY STRANGE. And you might have what it takes to be a center.

The Verdict

Returners

Freaking psychos, I tell you.

Do good things, don’t do bad things, and bow down to Washington.