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Ya know, I’m a firm believer in working smarter not harder, so just gonna take some of the stuff I wrote last week...
...just tweak a couple things here and there...
Almost done...
And voilà! Ahem:
That might have been the bleakest thing I’ve ever seen, which is saying something considering 10 months ago a kitten died in my arms seven days prior I watched the Montana game.
A 100% Accurate and 42% Sober Rundown of Absolutely Everything
Ya know, just like last week, I feel like it would be more productive of me to just write some Very Good Poetry about this weekend instead of trying to actually provide “insight” or whatever with “words” and all that gibberish. This is twofold in that A) everyone’s pretty much already said what can be said and B) I don’t want to.
I mean heck, Andrew and Collin forced me at gunpoint* to talk about it last night in a therapy session podcast episode recording, so... that’s all you’re getting out of me, you scoundrels.
Plus it seems like you guys too are at the point where you’d rather read poems of varying quality than anything else. I gather this based on reactions to last week’s Stuff and Shenanigans, like:
“Everything about this was just what I needed, but didn’t know I needed.”
“Crazy rantings of a drunk, depressed lunatic.”
“It takes talent to write poetry that bad. Well done.”
“I did not really enjoy that.”
Based on this overwhelmingly positive response — including one call for me to receive a Pulitzer which frankly I’m only interested in if it comes with a lump sum cash prize — I figured, as a woman of the people, to give said people what they want.
But mostly you’re getting poetry again because I lack the bandwidth to do anything else and am lazy. But also to give the people what they want.
First off, a guest submission by our very own Kirk DeGrasse, which he has informed me is called “Wishful Thinking.”
Wishful Thinking
Fourth and four let’s run
Ignore those edge defenders
Pretend they are ghosts
The A Gap
O thou bane of humanity
For what hath thou wrought upon us
(other than the Nebraska dynasty of the mid-nineties)?
Your mere threat of existence brings me to
dread-induced stress barfing. The 3:10 Express to Vom Central Station,
the volume produced would in other circumstances
induce awe.
Hath we considering sewing together interior linemen?
Like Human Centipede but sideways and with, one presumes, less spread of cholera?
But alas, even in such a scenario
surely our lord Donovan’s determination could not be stopped
And we’d once more find ourselves
in 2nd and 9.5
Again.
Have we considered a sacrifice?
To mine eyes it couldn’t be plainer
We must chuck JohnDon into Mt. Rainier
Mt. Rainier
A peak named Tahoma was treasured
For its beauty and terror and pressure
In to it we threw
JohnDon and Bob, too
And maybe Scott Huff for good measure
I Formation
Great for 4D chess
Oh wait — we’re not doing that?
Just running A gap?
I Formation pt. 2
Oh...
Please Jimmy
Dear Jimmy, remember with fondness the days
When you ruled a land with honour and pride
Though thou art yet in a greater seat
Think back
What would Pete do?
Please do that thing.
Good (Points Are That)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If we could score points
That would be great
Make Them Throw the Ball?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If opposing offenses had to throw the ball
That would be great
More Points Thoughts
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Scoring points makes your opponent have to score points too
Which is great
The Black Eyed Peas’ Let’s Get it Started (Runnin’ Runnin’)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Run defense is overrated
Oh wait no it’s not
Freedom
I think being free
From ‘motional investment
‘squite nice, actually
Freedom pt. 2
But on second thought
Not nicer than how much it
Sucks to suck (a lot)
The A Gap pt. 2
After 12 ground attempts, over and over
And over and over
And over and over and over again
“Surely,” we thought
“They’d never suspect
We’d do it a thirteenth time.”
Fin.
*Andrew and Collin would like it to be known that they have not at any point held Gabey or anyone at gunpoint
Lines of the Week
Just... in general:
All of us watching John Donovan johndonovan on 4th and 4:
Washington’s run offense and run defense together:
Bob Gregory every time Michigan runs the football:
And don’t wanna speak for anyone else but, again, just like, in general:
Do good things, don’t do bad things, and bow down (or not, honestly) to Washington.