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Stuff and Shenanigans: More Bad Poetry

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Gather round and watch as Gabey slowly goes legitimately insane.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: SEP 11 Washington at Michigan
Searched for “sad” and it was mostly photos of Princess Diana, which is actually the single thing bleaker than the last two weeks for Washington. So instead I just went with this...
Photo by Steven King/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Ya know, I’m a firm believer in working smarter not harder, so just gonna take some of the stuff I wrote last week...

...just tweak a couple things here and there...

Almost done...

And voilà! Ahem:

That might have been the bleakest thing I’ve ever seen, which is saying something considering 10 months ago a kitten died in my arms seven days prior I watched the Montana game.

A 100% Accurate and 42% Sober Rundown of Absolutely Everything

Ya know, just like last week, I feel like it would be more productive of me to just write some Very Good Poetry about this weekend instead of trying to actually provide “insight” or whatever with “words” and all that gibberish. This is twofold in that A) everyone’s pretty much already said what can be said and B) I don’t want to.

I mean heck, Andrew and Collin forced me at gunpoint* to talk about it last night in a therapy session podcast episode recording, so... that’s all you’re getting out of me, you scoundrels.

Plus it seems like you guys too are at the point where you’d rather read poems of varying quality than anything else. I gather this based on reactions to last week’s Stuff and Shenanigans, like:

“Everything about this was just what I needed, but didn’t know I needed.”

“Crazy rantings of a drunk, depressed lunatic.”

“It takes talent to write poetry that bad. Well done.”

“I did not really enjoy that.”

Based on this overwhelmingly positive response — including one call for me to receive a Pulitzer which frankly I’m only interested in if it comes with a lump sum cash prize — I figured, as a woman of the people, to give said people what they want.

But mostly you’re getting poetry again because I lack the bandwidth to do anything else and am lazy. But also to give the people what they want.

First off, a guest submission by our very own Kirk DeGrasse, which he has informed me is called “Wishful Thinking.”

Wishful Thinking

Fourth and four let’s run

Ignore those edge defenders

Pretend they are ghosts

The A Gap

O thou bane of humanity

For what hath thou wrought upon us

(other than the Nebraska dynasty of the mid-nineties)?

Your mere threat of existence brings me to

dread-induced stress barfing. The 3:10 Express to Vom Central Station,

the volume produced would in other circumstances

induce awe.

Hath we considering sewing together interior linemen?

Like Human Centipede but sideways and with, one presumes, less spread of cholera?

But alas, even in such a scenario

surely our lord Donovan’s determination could not be stopped

And we’d once more find ourselves

in 2nd and 9.5

Again.

Have we considered a sacrifice?

To mine eyes it couldn’t be plainer

We must chuck JohnDon into Mt. Rainier

Mt. Rainier

A peak named Tahoma was treasured

For its beauty and terror and pressure

In to it we threw

JohnDon and Bob, too

And maybe Scott Huff for good measure

I Formation

Great for 4D chess

Oh wait — we’re not doing that?

Just running A gap?

I Formation pt. 2

Oh...

Please Jimmy

Dear Jimmy, remember with fondness the days

When you ruled a land with honour and pride

Though thou art yet in a greater seat

Think back

What would Pete do?

Please do that thing.

Good (Points Are That)

Roses are red

Violets are blue

If we could score points

That would be great

Make Them Throw the Ball?

Roses are red

Violets are blue

If opposing offenses had to throw the ball

That would be great

More Points Thoughts

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Scoring points makes your opponent have to score points too

Which is great

The Black Eyed Peas’ Let’s Get it Started (Runnin’ Runnin’)

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Run defense is overrated

Oh wait no it’s not

Freedom

I think being free

From ‘motional investment

‘squite nice, actually

Freedom pt. 2

But on second thought

Not nicer than how much it

Sucks to suck (a lot)

The A Gap pt. 2

After 12 ground attempts, over and over

And over and over

And over and over and over again

“Surely,” we thought

“They’d never suspect

We’d do it a thirteenth time.”

Fin.

*Andrew and Collin would like it to be known that they have not at any point held Gabey or anyone at gunpoint

Lines of the Week

Just... in general:

All of us watching John Donovan johndonovan on 4th and 4:

Washington’s run offense and run defense together:

Bob Gregory every time Michigan runs the football:

And don’t wanna speak for anyone else but, again, just like, in general:

Do good things, don’t do bad things, and bow down (or not, honestly) to Washington.