Well hello there.
Ugh, I have to write another intro? That’s honestly the most difficult part of this whole “waiting for the season to start” thing. It’s not coming up with topics to write about, or preventing yourself from going full-on crazy with how freaking long it takes for kickoff to get here... It’s coming up with new things to say in each. God-forsaken. Intro.
So I guess, to preface today’s countdown, I should let you know the inspiration behind our topic. Apparently, sometime around last week, someone asked Christian Caple’s mailbag something along the lines of “Why don’t they move Salvon Ahmed to linebacker?” You know, Salvon Ahmed, who is clearly a prototypical LB at *checks notes* 5’11” and *double-checks notes* 195 lbs.
Now, I’m not here to shame anyone for thinking they had a great idea for a personnel change that the coaches hadn’t thought of yet — actually, scratch that, that’s exactly what I’m here for*.
But it got me thinking: “Who could use a little bit of a role change?”
And, after even more thinking, I came up with the following totally reasonable candidates:
*Dear whomever asked that question, if you’re reading this: I’m sure you’re a great person in real life and, given the entirety of the questions you’ve ever asked from birth until this moment, I’m sure the majority of them were smart questions. Plus, who are we kidding? Everybody, myself included, asks dumb questions from time to time. (When they said “There’s no such thing as stupid questions,” that was a lie.) But even you have to admit we couldn’t pass up this opportunity. Carry on!
Candidate #1: Kaleb McGary to Wide Receiver
Look me in the eyes and say you wouldn’t pay good money to see McGary pwn some 5’9” nickleback.
See? I knew you couldn’t.
There really isn’t that much to elaborate on here — the simple fact is that it would be massively entertaining to watch. For one, all Browning would have to do to get it to him would be throw the ball within 10 feet of his general vicinity; it’d be like when you’re playing flyer’s up in fifth grade and there’s that one kid who hit their growth spurt already and so catches it every single time, except here we, the fans, get the added benefit of then watching him wade through like, eight puny defensive backs to bring him down. Six-foot eight, 324 lbs? Heck, that should be our new standard body-type for receivers. Go ahead and write down that requirement to UW’s big board for recruiting.
Sure, I know what you’re thinking: “But Gabey, didn’t we already see one of Washington’s star tackles catch the ball in the red zone against Montana last year and he was so slow he couldn’t get from eight yards out to the end zone?”
Yes, fine, you’re admittedly right. But with all due respect to Trey Adams and his Glorious Reception of 2K18, Adams is a freak left athlete at left tackle. But McGary? He’s a freak athlete all. The. Time. At. Every. Position.
I rest my case.
Candidate #2: Greg Gaines to Quarterback
This one comes with a caveat. Namely, that putting him in at QB means Petersen has to change the offensive system to fit what is clearly Gaines’ strength.
I’m speaking, of course, of the triple option.
This caveat is solely based on the conjecture that Gaines doesn’t have the arm, pocket awareness, offensive IQ, etc. to be a more conventional quarterback who actually throws the ball ever. But besides, even if he did have those qualities, why have him read a defense when you can just have him run said defense over?
Similar to the “McGary to WR,” candidacy, this is based primarily on one thing: How much fun it is to watch a massive, jacked freak run people over. And if you don’t think it’s fun to watch big things run over small things, then how do you explain the success of the Grand Theft Auto franchise? Checkmate.
Because just like how a generation of children entertained themselves by mowing down pedestrians at 100 miles per hour via GTA, watching a cannon ball-shaped man destroy the hopes and dreams of many a defense would be all too tempting. Plus, if we all get bored of that, he’ll still get to flip the ball to Myles or Salvon from time to time in order to change things up.
Personally, I have no idea why Chris Petersen hasn’t installed this offense already.
Candidate #3 — Sean McGrew to Nose Tackle
The problem with the modern nose tackle is a simple one: They’re all too tall.
See, instead of getting through the interior offensive line via power, torque, and leverage, why not just go underneath? It’s like that old saying: “When presented with a roadblock, go over, go around, go through, or bring in a hobbit to duck under the roadblock and roundhouse kick the QB into oblivion.”
Sean McGrew checks that box perfectly.
At approximately four feet tall, he makes both an effectively shifty scatback and what is clearly the superior nose tackle build.
Because not only can he just shimmy under the center’s arms and — voila, be right at the quarterback, running back, or whoever, but he also has something a more traditional nose tackle doesn’t have: crazy psycho greyhound quickness. So where some interior rushers make it into the backfield only to be foiled by a slippery running back or a quarterback with basic mobility, that ain’t no problem with McGrew at 0-tech. Once in the backfield, there’s no getting away from him. Sure, a larger quarterback might just be able to take him as a hop on and carry him for a ride, but then the scenario plays out like so:
Step 1: McGrew gets to QB.
Step 2: McGrew attempts to tackle QB.
Step 3: McGrew ends up wrapped around QB but with QB not brought down yet.
Step 4: QB tries to escape the pocket but, with the added weight of Sean “The Sentient Backpack” McGrew, is mega slow.
Step 5: Barely able to move at more than two miles per hour, QB is promptly trucked by Taylor Rapp.
And there you have it. If he has to change positions in his future, this is clearly the best choice.
Candidate #4 — Joel Whitford to Safety
There is no reason The Whitford of Oz shouldn’t be pairing with Taylor Rapp back there. He’s got the size, he’s got the... whatever else there is.
But really, it all comes back to a good ol’ fashioned Australian Football background. Those guys are nuts. They’re tough (they straight up will jump on their opponents shoulders to pick off punt passes, it’s insane), they’re jacked, they have fantastic body-control and hand-eye coordination. Never mind that UW’s defensive back three-deep would be starting at most other schools, clearly the Washington secondary could benefit from some Aussie talent.
Who should totally for real be moved to a different position?
This poll is closed
Kaleb McGary to WR
Greg Gaines to option QB
Sean McGrew to NT
Joel Whitford to S
Kaleb McGary to receiver, flippin’ duh.
Actually, scratch that, just an entire team of Kaleb McGarys. Don’t pretend you don’t like it.
Do good things, don’t do bad things, and bow down to Washington.