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The NCAA’s new uniform compliance rules are *Jean-Ralphio voice* the woooooorst

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In accordance with it being the offseason, I’m gonna trash the NCAA because... it’s the offseason and the NCAA is, once again, being annoying as crap.

National Championship - Oregon v Ohio State Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images

If you were off the internet the last couple days, you’re probably unaware that the NCAA did another stupid thing. Actually, scratch that — you probably are aware they did another stupid thing, if just because you, as a human with basic observational skills, have noticed that’s most of the things the NCAA does and so at this point assume all days are filled with stupid decisions made by our collegiate athletics overlords. Stupid decisions and the NCAA just go hand-in-hand. It’s like UCLA and underachieving. Or Kitsap County and Norwegians. Or squirrels and burying their acorns and then forgetting where they buried their acorns so they grow into motherflippin’ trees. Or — never mind, you get it.

Anyhoo, this one’s a real stupid one. Just plain old dumb. Here ya go:

You’d think an organization with as much of an image problem as the NCAA would prioritize allocating resources to rules that, ya know, matter, but then again you’d also think the 2001 Mariners would’ve made it past the ALCS. Some things just don’t make sense.

The one good thing is we at least get some catharsis out of the fact that the entire internet has galvanized itself over this malarkey that’s a gross misuse of NCAA brainpower:

Aaaand lastly, our nagging about it:

Of course, because the NCAA has so many other problems going on, I figured I’d volunteer to come up with some more pressing uniform compliance rules so they can focus on the things that matter.

In the following examples, the illustration on the left is in compliance with NCAA uniform codes, while the illustration on the right most certainly is not.

Rule #1

In addition to pants being required to cover the knees, they must also be polyester spandex. This means jorts are NOT a viable option.

Rule #2

Hands must be free of other objects at all times. No swords, WWE-style metal folding chairs, or whiskey flasks are allowed.

Rule #3

Helmets must be whatever normal-ass helmets are made of. No viking stuff or whatever.

Rule #4

No dragons. Players must only move to/with the ball on their own feet goddammit, which must be outfitted with NCAA-compliant studded shoes, excluding high heels which are technically studs but also technically swords for your feet and, as such, are non-compliant.

Hey, Delta Airlines why won’t you let this animal on your flight?

Rule #5

No capes. C’mon, we all know Edna Mode’s right: They’re just a disaster waiting to happen — and we here at the NCAA take player safety very seriously.

But for real though NCAA, if you’re reading this —

How the ever-loving crap did you guys decide, “Hey, ya know how we have a bajillion problems to take care of, and also how people *gestures dismissively in general direction of people* think we’re terrible and corrupt? Well hoo-boy have I got a plan to fix that!” and then come up with this?

That’s like your house being on fire and deciding the best use of your time and energy is to clean the windows.

Who the [expletive covered by knee pad in compliance with NCAA uniform rules] gives a [expletive covered by jersey in compliance with NCAA uniform rules] about if a football player’s knees are covered? They already had that option! You think that’s the pressing issue currently? These dudes will almost all have significant brain, nerve, joint, and/or muscle injuries that’ll affect the rest of their life and you’re here all “Oh but if we force them to have this lil’ piece o’ crap over their knees, which half of them wear anyway and half of them hate, we’re all good!”

That’s like your takeaway from this scene being, “But Obi-Wan or Anakin could’ve landed funky and bruised an elbow!”

As long as nobody’s looking like this or smuggling a folding metal chair under their jersey so as to take out the QB, I think you need to chill, NCAA. Or at least refocus your every effort away from being the No Fun League 2.0 and onto things that matter.

As always:

Do good things, don’t do bad things, and bow down to Washington.