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Stuff and Shenanigans: Offense is for Nerds

In which Washington and Utah beat the crap out of each other.

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Pac 12 Championship - Utah v Washington
Now THAT is a headstand.
Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

Here’s some stupid, mostly not very smart (also known as “stupid”) thoughts on the Pac-12 Championship Game. There’s not many of them.

Enjoy. (Or don’t, or whatever. It’s your life.)

A 52% Sober and 100% Accurate Rundown of Absolutely Everything

There’s really not that much specifics I want to talk about, since, if my better judgement didn’t get hold of me, this week’s S&S would just be 1200 words on an ode to this being the best and stupidest of all the great and stupid Washington-Utah matchups ever.

In fact, not only was this the stupidest and best Washington-Utah matchup but, by the powers vested in me by That One Time I Met Dubs II™ or Odin or someone, I officially declare this — combined with Texas A&M - LSU’s seven OTs from last week — as the stupidest and best game ever.

What is there to say about the 2018 Pac-12 Championship Game? It will go down in history as the most soul-crushingly incredible display of horrible and fantastic ridiculousness in all the best and worst ways possible, or at least as a memory where we all praise Jesus or Allah or whomever that there was plenty of beer on hand. The 2018 Pac-12 Championship Game was like watching two Biff Tannens try to beat each other up but they keep punching at the same time and place and just hitting knuckles. The 2018 Pac-12 Championship Game eats PCP for breakfast, Louisville Sluggers for dinner, and no lunch. It rolls its eyes at your work problems. The 2018 Pac-12 Championship Game’s drink of choice is Everclear straight. Which it chases with unleaded gasoline. And not even the good crap — Arco. The Pac-12 Championship Game wears stripes and polka dots — together. The 2018 Pac-12 Championship Game think Mt Rainier’s a little bitch who should just erupt already, dang it.

And not only was it The Stupidest and Best Game Ever™, but it was willed to happen by The Stupidest and Best Telepathic Power of Will™, presented by our very own Chris Landon. See, Sir Landon willed Byron Murphy’s pick six by making me read that Washington hadn’t scored a defensive touchdown all year long, and then as I read that sentence, Murphy was like “lol hey Justin Shelby or whatever your name is welcome to Flavortown, nerd. Today’s taste: turf and disappointment, for you,” and then The Glorious Lone Touchdown of Pac-12 CCG 2k18™ was scored.

In fact, here’s some primary texts that will no doubt go down in history:

Aaaaaaand then:

Behold our savior, we are not worthy.

Narrator: It did just happen.

Otherwise, there weren’t that many coherent, analytical thoughts on my behalf, except that Jordan Miller redeemed himself faster than you can cook Korean insta-noodles. (These ones will do nice if you like no-nonsense spicy stuff. And not white people spicy, like... actual spicy. But I digress...) If you’ve forgotten, on the play just previous to his interception, Miller was called for pass interference and — if my memory serves right — on third and long, no less. I may or may not have but definitely did swear at him. Then, in a move taken straight from Icarus’ playbook, Jason Shelley decided “Well, that went well. I’m sure we can throw right there forever and it’ll never go wrong as long as the Earth keeps spinning. I’ll just keep throwing at Jordan Miller and everything will be great always. Football is easy and I am awesome at it.” Ha. What a dumb dumb. (Just kidding I’m sure Jason Shelley is a smart and upstanding citizen.)

And then, adding insult to injury, not only did our boy Jordan give the proverbial middle finger to Shelley’s next pass, but he did it on exactly the same go route against which his interception at Utah in September came. That’s some scripted Friday Night Lights malarkey right there.

Any other thoughts can be summed up by the following: I said last week that Joe Tryon is turning into the guy who A) Washington desperately needed and B) we thought he could be, and by golly is that convenient timing. One week later, one more piece of evidence that that’s becoming true. And honestly — I have no problem being realistic and admitting that next year’s defensive line is going to be full of growing pains and teachable moments, especially on the interior (premature RIP to the ghost of Greg Gaines plz bb don’t leave us) — but if Tuli and Taki learn their shenanigans sooner rather than later a la Greg and Vita circa 2015 (which is a huge “if” that shouldn’t be counted on, granted), and Tryon keeps up his trajectory, and Levi keeps kicking other offenses’ butts, it wouldn’t blow my mind if next year’s dropoff is less dramatic and more temporary than we’re reasonably expecting.

Where the offense is concerned, they simply did what I do best: Waste a buttload of time.

Lastly, I just have written in my notes “Damn straight go for it on 4th down Chris Petersen” and I have no idea what it means. But if I were a gambling woman I’d say it was probably a reaction to knowing the Dawgs’ kicking sucks, so...

Lines of the Week

Today’s Lines of the Week are presented solely by Maurice Moss. Congratulations, Britain, you’ve made it.

Look me in the eyes and say this wasn’t Jordan Miller’s inner monologue after the interception (you can’t, it’s impossible):

And also here’s real-time footage of Byron Murphy:

And to Jason Shelley, after those two got hold of him:

A live look at Washington’s kicking:

And lastly, every non-Pac-12 fan tuning in (all three of them), whose mind was blown that two west coast teams play defense and defense alone and that this wasn’t, in fact, a B1G game:

Do good things, don’t do bad things, and bow down to Washington.