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A Stuff and Shenanigans Special: BYU-Washington, coming to theaters Christmas 2019

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For your consideration: A Best Screenplay nominee, plus a campaign to #StopFallWeddings.

NCAA Football: Brigham Young at Washington Jennifer Buchanan-USA TODAY Sports

Alright, it’s time to level with you all: I haven’t yet watched the BYU game.

That’s because it turns out it’s really hard to watch a football game when you’re at a dreaded fall wedding that happens to be going on at the exact same time. Luckily, there was free champagne (duh) but that only makes up for about 1% of missing what I’m told was positively a beatdown. Suck it, 2008 BYU. We win this time.

Anyways, since it’s apparently really difficult for one to write takeaways for a game they haven’t seen unless you’re an on-air talent for ESPN, I’ve instead written a quote-for-quote script based on last Saturday, informed solely by a combo of the few things I’ve read, what other writers have said in our group message, and liberally-applied artistic licensing. Everything here is either completely accurate and/or total guess work based on the fact that I heard Salvon Ahmed had a day, the tight ends maybe/totally destroyed twerps, and the leader in tackles for loss came from the secondary.

Please submit this to The Academy:

A 36% Sober and 100% Accurate Rundown of Absolutely Everything


FADE IN:

EXT. STUDENT SECTION — DAY

The student section of a football stadium cheers. STUDENT #1 leans over to STUDENT #2, who’s drinking a mystery alcohol out of a SWIRLY STRAW in a FLASK.

STUDENT #1
Man, I love playing a suck-y football team on this beautiful late-afternoon which definitely won’t start raining soon.

STUDENT #2
Nah bro, BYU doesn’t suck anymore. It’s wild!

Student #1
What bro? But they lost to Cal!

Student #2
And pwn’d Wisconsin. And also maybe Cal’s good, even.

Student #1
What the flip, bro? So does Wisconsin suck? Is BYU good again?

Student #2
Nobody knows, dude. All we know is Wisconsin has a left-handed quarterback who plays guitar and a running back whose name sounds like a CNN anchor. Plus, what with us being a bunch o’ sinnin’, smokin’, drinkin’, caffeine drinkin’, tea drinkin’, coffee drinnkin’, energy drink drinkin’ heathens, BYU has God on their side.

Student #1
(Now holding joint because this is Washington)
Whoah, man.

EXT. FOOTBALL SIDELINE — DAY

The crowd CHEERS are heard from the stadium. CHRIS PETERSEN (played by Tom Hanks or, pending schedule conflicts, Ryan Reynolds), middle-aged, walks slouched over to his quarterback, JAKE BROWNING, and running backs, MYLES GASKIN and SALVON AHMED.

CHRIS PETERSEN
This is a very important football game because every game is an important football game, per my very successful coaching philosophy. I’m just a small-town underdog who coached an underdog team to unprecedented heights all against the odds.

SALVON AHMED
Yeah, you coached your underdog team to beat that one Dolph-Lundgren-as-Ivan-Drago team all those years ago.

JAKE BROWNING
Yes, we should try an equal amount to win all games.

MYLES GASKIN
And that amount of trying is “much.”

INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY

WISCONSIN FANS watch the Wisconsin game at a viewing party.

WISCONSIN FAN #1
(Double-fisting CHEESE and MIDWEST BEER)
Quick, while it’s a commercial go to the BYU game. Maybe they’ll be good and vindicate our loss that happened to them two weeks ago, when we, a playoff hopeful team, had more hope!

WISCONSIN FAN #2
I blame Joel Stave!

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD — DAY

Jake Browning, Myles Gaskin, Salvon Ahmed, and the offense run onto the field in the huddle.

JAKE BROWNING
(Chewing tobacco, taking off his aviator glasses through his helmet and throwing them on the ground all dramatic-like)
Alright team, these guys aren’t gonna go down easy. They’re tough, they’re mean, and they’re big. They have the delts of men twice our age but God dammit if this isn’t gonna be a fight.

MYLES GASKIN
But Jake, what’s the play?

JAKE BROWNING
The play? You wanna talk about the play?

MYLES GASKIN
Literally yes.

JAKE BROWNING
(Spitting out his tobacco, which partially gets caught on his facemask before dribbling down to the turf)
The play is to have more heart, and then, one day, we’ll tell our grandchildren about this game.

The huddle CLAPS and lines up. Jake Browning CLAPS his hand, receives the snap and drops backs. CORBIN KAUFUSI, BYU player, runs at him. Jake ducks under the tackle and we hear a THUD as Kaufusi lands on the ground. Then Jake steps up and throws a 15 yard pass to AARON FULLER, who’s then tackled.

JAKE BROWNING
(To Kaufusi, on the ground)
Not today, Kaufusi. Not today.

SMASH CUT TO:

Various shots of Jake handing the ball off to Salvon Ahmed or Myles Gaskin, the offensive line THUDDING against BYU’s defense, Jake throwing passes, and receivers catching them. Ball-carriers make some spin moves and other general football movie-esque things.

Under center, Jake HUTS, takes the snap, and play-actions to Myles Gaskin. He then turns around and throws a pass in the back of the end zone to Drew Sample.

The SIREN SOUNDS and scoreboard goes up 7-0 Washington.

INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY

Wisconsin Fan #1 throws his cheese on the ground emphatically.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD — DAY

BYU quarterback, TANNER MANGUM, 30, runs into the huddle.

TANNER MANGUM
Alright team, this team’s a good team. We need to beat this team so we prove we’re a good team. Also, we’re gonna run sixteen jet sweeps in a row and one dive so get tough!

BYU’s huddle CLAPS. They take their places at the line of scrimmage. Tanner HUTS, takes the snap, and hands off a sweep to WIDE RECEIVER #1, who looks to have found a gap before getting trucked with a loud THUD by MYLES BRYANT, Washington defensive back.

WIDE RECEIVER #1
(lying on ground)
Ow, my very being.

SMASH CUT TO:

Various shots of Wide Receiver #1, WIDE RECEIVER #2, and SQUALLY CANADA getting wrecked by unidentified Washington defenders, before a 4th down sign is on the chains.

SMASH CUT TO:

Outside Washington huddle. Jake Browning gives the call, then the team CLAPS and trots out to their positions. Jake takes the snap and hands off to Salvon Ahmed. NICK HARRIS, center, runs Corbin Kaufusi over, giving way for Salvon to run into the end zone.

The SIREN SOUNDS and the scoreboard changes to 14-0 Washington.

CUT TO:

In the BYU huddle, Tanner Mangum tries to rally his team.

TANNER MANGUM
Alright team, I’m trying to rally you! We’re still in this! Also, God’s on our side, as is our muscular and mental development because we’re older than most teams! [Editor’s note: Too on the nose, maybe try to convey that BYU’s old in a way that’s not so stupid.]

BYU OFFENSIVE LINEMAN
That’s right, so many of us are old because we went on missions! We are literally men among boys! [Editor’s note: Again, see if you can convey their age difference without being so “terrible” and “horrible” at it.]

The huddle CLAPS and lines up at scrimmage. Tanner Mangum HUTS and drops back, only to get crushed by TAYLOR RAPP. Tanner jogs back to the huddle.

TANNER MANGUM
New plan: Just give it to Squally.

SQUALLY CANADA
By the power invested in me by Grayskull, and also my cool name, we shall prevail! [Editor’s note: It’s “vested,” dude.]

OFFENSIVE LINEMAN #1
Yeah, who picked your last name, Celine Dion?

The huddle CLAPS and takes their spot at the line of scrimmage. Tanner HUTS, takes the snap, and hands off to Squally, who gets around a held GREG GAINES but is then tackled by Taylor Rapp again.

SQUALLY CANADA
Gosh—

CUT TO:

INT. BYU VIEWING PARTY — DAY

BYU FAN #1
—Darn it!

BYU FAN #2
(Indignant)
Zachariah, language!

BYU FAN #1
I mean rats!

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD — DUSK

In the Washington huddle, Jake Browning gives the play call. CADE OTTON and DREW SAMPLE have joined, and Salvon Ahmed is back.

JAKE BROWNING
Alright team: Cade and Drew, keep pwning those nerds. Channel your inner Will Dissly if you have to, who’s definitely not ever gonna be injured in the NFL, ever. I would knock on wood, but I don’t believe in luck. Also, when did we start naming people “Cade”?

Nick Harris raises his hand.

JAKE BROWNING
(Spitting on the ground)
What?

NICK HARRIS
1999, sir. Around the same time America discovered Sugar Ray’s Every Morning.

JAKE BROWNING
Ooooooookay. Also, good game so far, Nick. Keep beating up those fools so I can keep having a performance that says “Up yours, haters.”

NICK HARRIS
Will do. I’ll channel my inner Brian from the Backstreet Boys and continue being the true star of the show.

JAKE BROWNING
Sure, sure.

The players CLAP and get into formation. Jake Browning HUTS, takes the snap and hands off to Salvon Ahmed. Ahmed runs forward and finds space behind blocks from Drew Sample and Cade Otton, the latter of whom lifts a BYU PLAYER #4 and throws him over his head. Behind him, Drew Sample punches BYU PLAYER #5 in the throat.

Salvon Ahmed runs into the endzone. The SIREN SOUNDS.

INT. WISCONSIN VIEWING PARTY — NIGHT

WISCONSIN FAN #2
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu—

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. FOOTBALL SIDELINE — NIGHT

Chris Petersen walks around the sideline, looking intense and scary.

CHRIS PETERSEN
(To himself)
Finish them.

CUT TO:

The SCOREBOARD, which now reads 28-0, Washington. Then the SIREN SOUNDS and it switches to 35-0.

CUT TO:

BEN BURR-KIRVEN and TEVIS BARTLETT, at this point out of the game, fist bump.

BEN BURR-KIRVEN
Mwahaha, they’ll never score.

TEVIS BARTLETT
(Cracking open a beer)
El oh el, right? We’d have to mess up worse than a 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD — NIGHT

CHICO MCCLATCHER prepares to field a punt. He catches the ball but then drops it. BYU PLAYER #32 falls on it.

The BYU offense runs onto the field to huddle.

TANNER MANGUM
Alright team, there’s 40 seconds on the clock. We’ve got one last chance to prove that we suck less than it looks right now!

SQUALLY CANADA
I can’t feel my arms or face.

The huddle CLAPS and lines up. Tanner Mangum takes the snap and hands off to Squally Canada, who runs in for a touchdown as time expires. The few BYU fans CHEER.

CUT TO:

The scoreboard, which reads 35-7 with 0:00 time on the clock.

CUT TO:

Washington players high five and hug.

CADE OTTON
(Towards BYU)
Ha, nerds!

NICK HARRIS
Just like Eve 6!

JAKE BROWNING
Wait... Wha—

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. WISCONSIN VIEWING PARTY — NIGHT

After many hours of football-watching, the Wisconsin fans have empty beer bottles everywhere. Wisconsin Fan #2 throws what’s remaining of his block of cheese across the room.

WISCONSIN FAN #1
Everything sucks and I hate it. Except cheese.

Wisconsin Fan #1 pre-barf gags.

FADE OUT.


Again, this was about as well-researched as an average Grey’s Anatomy episode.

Line of the Week

Keep in mind, this is all based on the grapevine through which I’ve heard the basic shenanigans that occurred on Saturday... So... Feel free to let me know if it’s less than 100% accurate...?

Chris Petersen deciding the Washington offense was gonna destroy today:

The PNW UW looking down on the Midwest UW because the Midwest UW couldn’t even beat BYU and its 25 year-old freshmen:

And, lastly, Washington’s defense and all of us when BYU had the gall to actually score with, as far as I know, two seconds left:

Do good things, don’t do bad things, and bow down to Washington.