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Day 17: Husky Who You’d Add to the Family

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Only serious football talk today.

NCAA Football: Washington Spring Game Jennifer Buchanan-USA TODAY Sports

Option #1 — DL Vita Vea

I’m starting this one with a cold open before explaining my very very very — wait for it — very scientific methodology.

Because where I grew up, there were two main threats to your family’s safety: Speeding old farts who have no business getting into a mechanized vehicle, and bears.

At 6’5” and 300 and a billion pounds, Vita Vea is probably the best bet of any Washington football player to take down a wild bear. Rumor has it that’s actually his pre-practice warm up. I’ve heard plenty of less believable things.

I mean really, there’s plenty of other qualities a Dawg should have to be a part of the family but what good do any of those do if he can’t keep said family from getting mauled to death by bears? Psh, what an amateur hour that would be.

Anyways, for most of our season countdown we keep it all football all the time — this is a serious football site only for serious football people and it is no place for fun and games. (When Chris and Ryan first asked me to write for them their number one stipulation was “Any article found to promote any sort of tom foolery, silliness, shenanigans, mischief, hi-jinks or otherwise non-serious football things will result in the immediate termination of the author. We are UWDP. We are serious, gall darn it.”)

Still, for as serious as your beloved UWDP authors are, it’s just really hard to fill 31 days worth of material with only serious football things so sometimes we have to err on the side of shenanigans to fill a countdown day or two. Today is one of those days.

And with that in mind, I’d like to formally introduce today’s countdown topic: Which Husky would be the best addition to your family?

Each of today’s candidates will be graded on the following:

  • Bear wrestling
  • Beating family members at cards
  • Making Great Aunt Gertrude a gin and tonic
  • Making all of the family a gin and tonic
  • Not having totally lame taste

So, besides Vita Vea, who else are our options?

Option #2 — WR Dante Pettis

When it comes to bear fighting, Dante could go one of two ways: either he A) is so shifty he runs the bear into a mess of exhausted oblivion or he B) runs away from the bear and, being faster than the rest of the family, they all get caught and beaten up by said bear. Bear Fighting: -2 or 9/10.

Where he really thrives is in the “Not having totally lame taste category.” He is a self-proclaimed literature enthusiast according to his Twitter; that’s a classy dude. We’d definitely never have to put up with him embarrassing the family by watching garbage like Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Now that I think about it, he may have the misfortune of being too classy. Still though, I’m 90% sure he’d sit be down for Sunday Masterpiece Theatre adaptations of old British novels with my mom. Lame Taste (Not Having It): The radiation reading from Kim Jong Un’s nuclear arsenal/10.

Since Dante has good taste in cool artsy-ish stuff that almost certainly guarantees he can make all sorts of classic drinks to please all sorts of family members, so I’ll assume good marks where that’s concerned. Making Drinks for La Familia: 8/10

Actually, correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure his dad is a coach for the Texas Rangers so that’s a mark against him for presumably rooting for the wrong team. Adjusted Lame Taste (Not Having It): The radiation reading from some less-nuclear-but-still-nuclear arsenal/10

Option #3 — LS AJ Carty

This is where long snappers shine.

AJ Carty has one advantage that none of his opponents today have. As a long snapper, he brings a brutal efficiency to the drink-making category. If you can long snap a football, you can long snap a cocktail shaker. And if you can long snap a cocktail shaker, you can long snap a cocktail shaker full of ice and booze and crap.

Not only does this unique ability mean he has a fun little way of delivering drinks at family gatherings, it also eliminates multiple steps in the process by combining drink delivery with drink making, since it can be mixed during the hang-time of the snap. Sure, it might not be the most thorough, but there’s nothing that efficiency and a “good enough” attitude won’t fix. Drink Making for Family Gatherings: 7/10
Drink Delivery for Family Gatherings: Frikkin’ Awesome/10

It’s also important in our family to be able to hold your own in any number of trick-taking card games. As a long snapper I feel like Carty would be solid but not spectacular. He’s used to doing one job and it involves achieving one single objective; he’s not gonna overthink his hand and try to hustle when he can’t but he’d also be unlikely to get all tricky and beat everybody. Winning at Family Poker Night: B-

Oh and I guess there’s other criteria he must fulfill but I don’t know much about AJ Carty so... Everything Else: Probably at Least Not Awful/10

Option #4 — OT Trey Adams

First thing’s first: This dude beats the &%^* out of bears in his spare time because why the flip not? Automatically, he’s probably the only one who can compete with Vita Vea in the Beating-Up-Bears category. If a bear threatens someone from Trey Adams’ family he probably doesn’t even blink, just punches it in the face with his bear-fighting fists and then goes back to whatever it is Trey Adams does in his spare time. Kicking a Bear’s Ass: Bonafide Bear Assaulter/10

Adams’ score in the “Does he have good taste in things” category is tricky. On one hand, his hair is... questionable. On the other hand, maybe he’s wearing that mullet ironically. On the other other hand, I’m kinda over the whole sporting-a-style-ironically thing. On the other other other hand, maybe it’s none of those and that hair is part of a painstakingly-crafted ensemble intended to create the scariest possible look for opposing DLs to face. We’ll have to compromise here, I suppose. Dat Sweet Sweet Style: 5/10

Option #5 — Chris Petersen

Oh, you thought we were limiting this to just players? How wrong you were.

Coach Pete obviously would clean up in cards with the family. Not only would he have his strategy planned out thinking like, five hands ahead, but he’d also have the best poker face. It’s just his sideline face but closer up. Let’s say it out loud: Chris Petersen has a killer poker face. Being Really Really Good at Cards/Poker Face Having: The 2007 Fiesta Bowl/10

When it comes to protecting the family from bears, he’s pretty much in charge of an army of ripped dudes so he can just order said army to beat up the bear. Bear Assaulting in the Name of Your Family’s Safety: Five Gold Stars

Also why do I feel like Pete secretly makes a bomb-ass Manhattan? Being the Family Bartender: 70-21/10

Poll

Which Dawg would you adopt into the family?

This poll is closed

  • 16%
    Vita Vea
    (45 votes)
  • 18%
    Dante Pettis
    (53 votes)
  • 4%
    AJ Carty
    (13 votes)
  • 10%
    Trey Adams
    (28 votes)
  • 50%
    Chris Petersen
    (140 votes)
279 votes total Vote Now

The Verdict

Dubs

PSYCH you were all wrong — obviously there is only one correct answer and that answer is Dubs, the fluffiest, most hug-able pup in all the land.

He’s the perfect combination of both dog and Dawg. When you’ve got a Dawg-dog by your family’s side, nothing can ruin it. Even bears.

Thank you for visiting UW Dawg Pound, a serious Washington Huskies football site.

Do good things, don’t do bad things, and bow down to Washington.