Stuff and Shenanigans: Smashed Apples

Update: I still hate intros. In other news, the Mariners suck, it’s probably raining outside, and Portlanders are terrible at driving.

A 48% Sober and 100% Accurate Rundown of Absolutely Everything

Doesn’t it feel good to be back to victories wherein the point differential is of legal drinking age?

After the Stanford debacle and the almost-blowing-it-to-Utah-and-then-barely-not-blowing-it-to-Utah episode, it’s nice to return to a relaxing win. Sure, close games are exciting, but excitement is overrated.

Speaking of things that are “back,” welcome back killer defense! (Specifically, defensive backs.)

They were still above average on almost every play of the Stanford and Utah games but, “almost every play” didn’t do the trick against the Cardinal and almost didn’t do it against Utah. So. Welcome back to complete and total ass-kickery, secondary. We have missed you verily and are honored to be in thy presence.

Also, if anybody still remembers three months ago when we were worried about the pass rush, last Saturday probably stamped that out of your brain real fast.

The last time Washington fans were worried about the pass rush, Kim Jong Un’s haircut was “The Rachel.”

The last time Washington fans were worried about the pass rush, The Bay of Pigs was nothing more than a delicious buffet option at Motel 6.

The last time Washington fans were worried about the pass rush, “kale” was just what Confederate officers said when asked what to do to soldiers from the north.

Where the linebackers are concerned, I don't have much to say, only that they were clearly having fun abusing Luke Falk: mentally, when they all dropped into the middle of coverage and forced his brain to realize there was nothing there and physically, when...ya know, quite often.

On the offensive front, this felt like last year and I love it. Jake Browning did what he does best: “manage the game,” and that is not an insult. What he does second best is pooch punt on 4th down to pin an opposing offense to the one-yard line.

Seriously though, if you look at his stats from this Apple Cup, they’re the boring-est. (What was it, like, 11/17 for less than 100 yards?) And that’s the bomb. #FlashyQuarterbacksAreMoreStressThanThey’reWorth

Do I trust Browning to lead a two-minute drill down the field for a come-from-behind win? Probably not, even though the Utah game gave us evidence that, indeed, he can absolutely do that. But—and I think this is something not brought up frequently enough when discussing his pros and cons—I’d rather have a quarterback who doesn’t need to do two-minute drills all the time, than a quarterback who’s pretty good at that and is always doing them.

I dunno, maybe I’m just scarred from watching the Seahawks.

Tl;dr: Browning isn’t the crazy athlete to lead a team 90 yards down the field with two minutes left to go, but he’s a quarterback who puts his team in positions where they almost never have to do that in the first place. And that’s preferable, if you ask me.

(Again, scarred by the Seahawks.)

Otherwise in the offense, blah blah blah Myles Gaskin is a god.

Actually, Myles Gaskin is like that stray rabbit/squirrel/fox/streaker that escapes onto a field and ends up on Sportscenter’s Top 10 because nobody can catch it, except Myles Gaskin is a human person who plays for a team and that team is our team and I’m quite happy about that fact.

In fact, whoever the Dawgs replace Jonathan Smith with, I can give the new OC some insider advice on how to run this offense:

Play 1: Give it to Gaskin and be half decent at blocking.
Play 2: Give it to Gaskin and be half decent at blocking.
Play 3: Give it to Gaskin and be half decent at blocking.
Play 4: End around to Ahmed.
Play 5: Give it to Gaskin and be half decent at blocking.
Play 6: Out route to some dude, I don’t care who.
Play 7: Give it to Gaskin and be half decent at blocking.
Play 8: Play-action to Gaskin and go long.

Lastly, if you read last week’s S&S or have even just been vaguely paying attention to these posts this season, you know I’m borderline Tristan Vizcaino’s biggest fan despite how crazy he’s driven us this season. (I’m convinced that being a Mariners fan my whole life has prepared me for this.)

And on that note...this is a true fact:

Actually lastly: I’m gonna miss the crap out of Vita Vea and Greg Gaines. If somehow either of them end up staying, then that’s proof that God is real and on our side.

Whatever bowl game the Huskies get this year, you guys better take those 60 minutes of playing time to appreciate the poo out of those two!

Line of the Week

Wazzu’s offensive line, realizing they’re going up against Vea and Gaines:

Aaaaand subsequently, Luke Falk:

Do good things, don’t do bad things, and bow down to Washington.