Paying Up our Blog Bet with OBNUG - Avengers vs. the Ex-Men

Ed. note - please welcome OBNUG writer Russ Wood to the Dawg Pound as we pay up our blog bet.  You can direct all anger praise for the following to Mr. Wood, and blame for agreeing to the bet in the first place to Chris and yours truly. Without further ado...

Avengerers vs. The Ex-Men

INT CEREBRO NIGHT

Chris Petersen, aka PROFESSOR P, sits at the center of Cerebrah, a spherical room with images projected in 3D space. He wears a helmet, which is connected to the console in front of him. At his side is DawgsFan206, aka BEASTY.

BEASTY

So give me the lowdown. What's the plan of attack?

PROFESSOR P

I know these Avengerers; I used to be their leader. If we're going to beat them, we're going to have to be stealthy.

BEASTY

Who's going to take the lead?

PROFESSOR P

That's for me to know and everyone else to find ou...

(Just then, young Jake Browning, aka GAME-BITE, comes in from the boys'room door.)

GAME-BITE

(Looking down shirt) Hey, Professor, is nipple hair a thing?

BEASTY

(Whispering) You're going to let him lead?

PROFESSOR P

No question. He was the same actor who starred in Baby Geniuses Meet Touchdown Buddies 17 years ago, so I know he's got the smarts! Plus you should see how he throws!

GAME-BITE

...Because I just noticed something weird in the mirror.

PROFESSOR P

Hey, kid! Come on over here and let's look in on our opponents.

GAME-BITE walks over to PROFESSOR P and BEASTY. PROFESSOR P turns on the console of Cerebrah. An image pops up.

BEASTY

Ahhh, what is that terrible sight?

PROFESSOR P

Oh, sorry! That's just a tennis match being played on blue courts at the US Open. I must have gotten the wrong channel! Here we go...(Another image comes up.)

BEASTY

BLAZES!!! WHAT ON PAUL ALLEN'S GREEN EARTH IS THAT UNSIGHTLY ABOMINATION?!

PROFESSOR P

Oh, my bad! That's just a beach scene of crystal blue water in Tahiti! I'm so sorry for assaulting your eyeballs with such a horrendous image! Here... (Changes the image again.)

BEASTY

(His eyeballs catch fire) AUGH! Please tell me THAT'S NOT THEIR BATTLEFIELD?!

PROFESSOR P

Unfortunately, it is. Yes. It is colored blue.

BEASTY

(Writhing on floor) IT'S SO UNNATURAL!!!

GAME-BITE

(Leaning in closer) How come we can't see any of them?

PROFESSOR P

It looks like they're using their invisibility superpowers.

GAME-BITE

They have invisibility?

BEASTY

YES!! It's so unfair!

PROFESSOR P

Actually, they're just wearing blue. We can't see them because we're looking down at them.

GAME-BITE

So, logically speaking, we should have no problem seeing them from a ground's-eye view?

BEASTY

HELLO-O? WHAT COLOR IS THE SKY?!

GAME-BITE

Hey, aren't you covered head-to-toe in blue fur?

PROFESSOR P

Shhhhhh, son. It's best to just let this one go. (Pats him on the shoulder and hands him a folded up piece of paper.) Here. Protect this. These plans could be our undoing if they fall into the enemy's hands. Now take your team and go!

EXT BATTLEFIELD NIGHT (Approx. 8:15pm MST or whenever ESPN thinks we've seen Baylor win enough.)

The EX-MEN fly over The Blue^TM Battlefield sipping chai tea lattes with soymilk and just a hint of agave sweetener. PROFESSOR P sits in the back with the team.

BEASTY

I'm ready to go in!

PROFESSOR P

I think it's better if you let me handle this. You might be better blogging about this later.

BEASTY

But the last time we met, we destroyed them by about a billion points, rofl!

PROFESSOR P

(Doesn't rofl.)

GAME-BITE

Let's move out team!

They parachute out onto the battlefield, led by their baby genius leader. PROFESSOR P communicates from above via headset.

PROFESSOR P

What's going on down there?

GAME-BITE

We're getting hammered! Every time we advance, we get pushed back. We keep running into a wall! And...they have a McWeapon!

PROFESSOR P

Hang in there, kid! If I know these guys, they'll kick butt for a little while and then take a long break until the battle's done, thinking they've already won. You just keep them from getting to you! You're the future of our team, and if they seem to get close, throw it away and live to fight another day.

GAME-BITE

Roger that, Professor!

The battle rages on, but it looks like a flawless victory for the Avengerers.

GAME-BITE

(Over the headset) We need a break!

PROFESSOR P

Alright, kid. Gather the team and let's plan a new strategy.

The EX-MEN teleport back to the command ship and discuss a new strategy. PROFESSOR P sends them back in, this time with the SPECIAL TEAM.

PROFESSOR P

Status update.

GAME-BITE

It's working! That Pettis guy you brought over whose cousin used to be an Avengerer just surprised them with a huge attack! What's his hero name, again?

PROFESSOR P

Uh... Puntreturnfastyman.

GAME-BITE

And that teleporting fellow, Victor, he's all over the battlefield taking out opponents!

PROFESSOR P

Oh, yeah, that's NightBaller. We recruited him as a Duckwrecker.

GAME-BITE

I can see the end! Victory is near! Wait... hold on.

PROFESSOR P

What is it, kid?!

GAME-BITE

I lost the secret plans. I can see The Incredible Correa reading something from here... this isn't good. Oh, no!! HERE HE...!(Static)

PROFESSOR P

Kid? Come in, kid! Oh, no!! (Hangs head, dejectedly.)

BEASTY

What was on that piece of paper, Professor?

PROFESSOR P hands BEASTY:

AVENGERERED 16-13!