Editor's note: If you are easily offended, skip reading - this is all in fun. Also, big thanks to John Berkowitz for curating these jokes originally, and for Lear Pilot for compiling them for the new blog format
Hello, Dawg fans! It wouldn't be Apple Cup week without saluting our rivals in Pullman with the annual edition of Cougar Jokes. Over the years since John started the UWDP blog, he archived the largest collection of Cougar jokes available on the internet.
"I've always felt that being a Cougar prepares you for life. You learn not to expect too much."
--UW Coach Don James
Q: How do you neuter a Cougar?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw!
Q: What do Cougar Football players always get on their final exams?
Q: What do you call a Cougar golfing with an IQ of 120?
A: A foursome!
Q: Why are a tornado and a Cougar divorce similar?
A: You know someone is going to lose a house trailer!
Q: What does a Cougar say to a Husky at McDonald's?
A: "May I take your order, sir?"
Q: What's the biggest lie told in Pullman?
A: "I was just helping that sheep over the fence."
Q: What's the number one pickup line used for picking up WAZZU chicks?
A: "Hey, nice tooth!"
Q: What do Cougar cheerleaders and Cougar quarterbacks have in common?
A: They're always on their backs.
Q: How do you keep Cougars out of your yard?
A: Put up goalposts.
Q: What has 20 legs and 3 teeth?
A: The first row of fans at Martin Stadium.
A Coug riddle: If two Cougs get married in Pullman and then move to Seattle, are they still brother and sister?
Bubba had been attending WSU for 6 years and still did not have enough credits to graduate. At the commencement ceremony, the entire student body began chanting, "Let Bubba graduate, Let Bubba graduate!" The Pullman president decided that if Bubba could answer a one question exam, he would graduate. The president said, "You have one chance Bubba: what is 9x9?" Bubba beamed and blurted out 81. A stunned silence followed. Then the whole crowd yelled, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Last night there was a fire at the WSU library. They lost 20 books to the flames. The worst part was that 15 of them hadn't been colored in yet!
Jesus was actually supposed to be born in Pullman, rather than Bethlehem. But they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
You heard of the Cougar who broke his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of a tree....
Q: Why did the Wazzu grad cover her ears?
A: She was trying to hold in a thought.
Did you hear about the student who transferred from Washington to Washington State and raised the IQ of both Universities?
Q: What do you call a 250 pound Cougar cheerleader?
Q: What does a Cougar grad call a Husky grad?
Helpful lifelong skills checklist presented to each graduating senior at the WSU Commencement Ceremony:
1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an E-Mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
A WSU student walked into a bar in Seattle and ordered two beers. After he paid for the beers he drank one and poured the other one all over his right hand. The bartender was curious to what he was doing so he asked him, and the WSU student replied "I'm trying to get my date drunk."
A ventriloquist from Seattle walked into a bar just off the Washington State University campus and asked the manager if he could do a little performance. The manager thought no harm could be done and agreed.
The ventriloquist grabbed a stool, sat down and began telling jokes about the WSU football team. Suddenly, a huge man wearing a Cougar T-shirt walked over and said, "Listen buddy, I don't know who you think you are, telling all these jokes about our football team. I for one will not put up with it!" The ventriloquist quickly apologized and said he would leave. The large man exclaimed "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to that little man sitting on your lap!"
A Husky fan, a Coug fan, and a Duck fan were driving to the Rose Bowl together when their car broke down. They walked down the road to a farmhouse and inquired if they could spend the night.
The farmer said, "Sure, but one of you will have to sleep in the barn as there is not enough room in the house."
The Husky fan said, "I'll do it." A little while later there was a knock on the door; it was the Husky fan. He said, "I'm allergic to chickens and there are chickens in the barn." So the Duck fan left to stay in the barn.
A little while later there was again a knock on the door; it was the Duck fan. He said, "I'm allergic to pigs and there are pigs in the barn." So the Coug fan left to stay in the barn. A little while later there was again a knock on the door, it was the chickens and the pigs!
During an off-day in the Cougs practice preparation for the Rose Bowl, one of their quarterbacks thought he would take advantage of the break in southern California and visit one of America's biggest theme parks.
As he neared the park in his rental car, he noticed a big sign ahead on the highway.
"DISNEYLAND LEFT," it read. With that, he sighed, turned around and headed back to the hotel.
Did you hear about the Coug that went to the library and checked out a book called "How to hug?" He got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.
A man died and was sent to Hell. As he was being led down the path, he noticed a Coug he had known back in the land of the living. The Coug had one of the most beautiful women the man had ever seen draped all over him.
The man began to complain to the devil about all the bad things he heard were going to happen to him, and questioned why the Coug had such an attractive woman. To this the devil responded, "How dare you question the way things are? How dare you question that woman's punishment?"
Seems that a Coug was driving West from Pullman at the same time a Husky was driving East from Seattle and they happened to meet head-on in a horrible crash on top of Snoqualmie Pass. Miraculously, both climbed out of the steaming wreckage...their bodies intact. They examined the twisted metal and realized that they were truly lucky to be alive.
The Coug said, "This must be a sign from God that we should end the bitter rivalry that we have had since the beginning of time." The Husky agreed...he went to his trunk and pulled out an unbroken bottle of whiskey.
"This is truly remarkable," he said, "God must want us to toast our new-found friendship." He twisted the cap off and handed the bottle to the Coug, who took several big swigs, wiped his chin and handed the bottle back. The Husky replaced the cap, and without a word, put the bottle back into his trunk.
"Aren't you going to celebrate our luck?" asked the Coug.
"Nah, I thing I'll just wait for the troopers to get here."
A pretty blonde woman from the UW is driving down a country road near Pullman in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke, they are studying for their finals over at WSU. She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two Cougs in the room next to her. They are not too bright it seems, but they are so handsome. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Four years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth, thinking about their day off from the new McDonald's in Colfax.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about four years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
Two men - one Cougar and one Husky - are using a public restroom. When the Cougar notices that the Husky didn't wash his hands afterward, he says "Hey, at WSU they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom." "Oh really," the Husky replies. "Well at UW we're smart enough to know not to pee on our hands."
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mormon and a Cougar?
A: A basement full of stolen groceries...
One day at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter was greeting new comers. The first man was a brilliant engineer, so he and St. Peter talked about the great structures and buildings of the world. Next was a mathematician from Harvard, so they talked about the most complex mathematical problems in the history of civilization. The third guy had an IQ of 78 and a six pack in his right hand and St. Peter says, "How 'bout them Cougs!"
Q: How do Cougar brain cells die?
Q: Did you hear about the Cougar who won an Olympic gold medal?
A: He had it bronzed.
Q: Why did the Cougar carry the car door with him when he walked through the desert?
A: So he could roll down the window when he got too hot.
Q: What are the eight words guaranteed to break a WSU cheerleader's heart?
A: "Sorry honey, we just ran out of bacon".
So....A guy walks into the store and the clerk asks if he can help him.
"Sure can," the guy replies. "I want a bright, scarlet red sweatshirt, a pair of gray pants, gray socks, a red Cowboy hat and a pair of scarlet-colored cowboy boots."
"Oh, I take it you're a Cougar fan," the clerk say with a grin.
"How can you tell?" the guy answers. "It's 'cause I'm a askin' fer all scarlet and gray stuff, right?"
"No," the clerk answers. "It's because this is a hardware store."
WASHINGTON STATE ENTRANCE EXAM - FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 WEEKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions.
-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(d) write a play
4. What religion is the Pope?(check only ONE)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
9. Spell President Obama's last name.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(b) a 7-11
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for WHAT country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-
spell your name in BIG BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Washington State tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(c) still waiting
Q. What's crimson & gray and goes 100 mph?
A. A Cougar in a blender.
What are the three biggest lies in Pullman?
1) That combine over there, it's paid for.
2) This belt buckle, I won it in a rodeo.
3) I was just helping that sheep over the fence.
Rumor has it that Mike Leach has dreamed up a sure fire way not to lose next year's Apple Cup. If the Cougs win the coin toss prior to the opening kickoff he's instructed his players to elect not to play.
Three students from Wazzu were in the park and they saw some tracks on the ground. They were trying to guess what they were from. One guy said that they were bear tracks; another guy said that they were raccoon tracks, and the last guy said that they were opossum tracks. Then a train came and they were all hit.
The Coug was driving in his pickup down the farm road one hot dusty day with the window rolled down and his arm resting on the windowsill. He turned his head to the left, sniffed the air and said, "Ooohweee, when are they going to invent Left Guard?"
Q: How do you make a WSU graduate leave your house?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: How Do you hurt a Cougar while he is drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on him!
Q: What do you have, when you have 20 Cougs in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Bubba, the Cougar linebacker and his new wife Darlene were driving to their honeymoon in Moscow. Bubba reached over and placed his hand on Darlene's knee. Darlene said "Bubba, you can go further if you'd like!" So Bubba drove to Boise.
Q: What's black and blue and goes tha-dump, tha-dump, tha-dump?
A: A Cougar in a dryer.
Q: What's 6-13-6?
A: The IQ of the Cougar defensive line.
Q: Did you hear about the Cougar water polo team?
A: They had to cancel their season after the horses all drowned in the first game.
Q: Why don't they raise chickens in Pullman?
A: They plant the eggs too deep.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead Cougar on the highway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: What do you call a Cougar football player with an IQ of 20?
Q: What do you call a good looking girl in Pullman?
A: A Tourist.
Q: Why don't they have ice in the bars in Pullman?
A: They lost the recipe.
Q: Why did the Pullman police department take the 9-1-1 off of their cars?
A: Cougar football players kept stealing them because they thought they were Porsches.
Q: What's crimson & gray, six miles long and has an IQ of 41?
A: The WSU student body.
Q: What's the longest ten years of a Cougar football player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: How do you confuse a Cougar student farmer?
A: Give him two shovels and tell him to take his pick.
Q: Why do Cougar football players have such small steering wheels in their cars?
A: So they can drive with handcuffs on.
Q: Where do Cougar cheerleaders go in the morning?
In America they say, "It's 10:00. Do you know where your children?"
In France they say, "It's 10:00. Do you know where your wife is?"
In Italy they say, "It's 10:00. Do you know where your car is?"
In Pullman they say, "It's 10:00. Do you know what time it is?"
What is Washington State's idea of Fantasy Football? Winning a game in November and attending a bowl game that is actually worth attending.
Classes to take at Washington St:
10. Subtraction 99 (addition's really tricky)
9. Synchronized underwater basket weaving 101
8. Cow Milking 101
7. American Lit. 444: Critical analysis from Dr. Seuss to Curious George
6. TV 100: What Happened to "Hee Haw"
5. Keg Tapping 1091: Traditional tapping techniques and styles
4. Pysch 201: Intro to animal Sexuality
3. Disability 1210-(If you're enrolled in this class, your IQ is below 20)
2. Careers 101: How to prepare yourself for fast-food restaurants
1. Power Tools 01: How to operate a hammer
Things to do in Pullman (WSU campus)
10. Do your wash on the front porch
9. Get a beer and then get a beer
8. Go to THE grocery store
7. Put gas in your combine
6. Naked Sheep Twister
5. Cow tipping
4. Do it in a bag and light it on fire on your neighbors porch (don't forget to knock)
3. Major in hotel Management
2. Try to get a date with benched QB Marshall Lobbestael.
1. Play Cougopoly: limited real estate prospects, but plenty of free parking spaces
Favorite Clothes to Wear in Pullman:
9. Jean jacket with wooly inside
8. Long underwear
7. A straw hat
6. Chew-stained tank tops
5. Genuine pigskin belts
4. Grandmother's 1881 jeans
3. Mom's woven blanket
2. Tight-ass acid-wash jeans
Best Movies in Pullman:
10. John Wayne Bobbit Uncut
9. The Beverly Hillbillies
8. Dumb and Dumber
7. Forrest Gump
6. Hee Haw-the Movie
5. Children of the Corn series
2. Stone Cold
1. Babe-the X-rated version
Q: What's the real reason WSU QB Jeff Tuel got benched?
A: He couldn't pound a six pack in two minutes or less
Did you hear OJ wanted to attend WSU? . . . he wanted to go where everybody's DNA was the same.
Q: How many WSU grads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just the both of them, but it takes them 6 months and they get 6 credits for it.
Q: What is a Cougar joke?
A: ...a redundancy
Q: What's the last sign of intelligent life in Pullman?
A: Seattle, 371 miles!
Q: What's the difference between the Cougars and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios make it into the Bowl.
Q: How is a Cougar like a possum?
A: Both play dead at home and usually die on the road.
Q: What is the difference between a Cougar and a computer?
A: You have to punch information into both, but with a computer, you only have to do it once.
You know you're in Pullman when...
...the mortuary has a neon sign in the window and the hearse has a trailer hitch.
If you have ever won a moose "mate-calling" contest using an orifice other than your mouth...
...then you must be a Cougar.
Q: What's the difference between a Cougar cheerleader and an elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: Know how to make it even?
A: Force feed the elephant.
Q: What's the difference between a Cougar cheerleader and the garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Q: What's the different between a quarter at the bottom of a toilet and a Cougar cheerleader at the bottom of the toilet?
A: The quarter is worth reaching in for.
Q: How do you find Wazzu?
A: Head East until you smell it, then South until you step in it.
Q. What does a COUG yell when they discover a rat in the kitchen?
A. Dinner's ready!
Q. What do people do when a Coug exposes himself?
A blind guy walks by the fish market, pauses and says," AH Cougar cheerleaders - I didn't think the game was until next week!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a Cougar and a big dumb Jackass?
A: A bigger, dumber, slower big dumb jackass.
Q: Why do WSU women wear bibs?
A: To keep the chew off their dresses.
Q: Why do WSU graduates put their diploma on the car dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicap spots.
Q: How many Cougars does it take to get to a bowl game?
A: Yeah, right.
Q: Why did WSU decide to put Astroturf in Martin Stadium?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
Q: What do you get when you breed a WSU Cougar and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Sign seen near Husky Stadium during the last Apple Cup...
WSU Parking: Tractors please park on the left. Combines please park on the right.
Sign seen when crossing into Washington from Oregon: Warning - Sales Tax ahead.
Sign seen when crossing into Washington from Canada: Cheap beer and smokes ahead, eh?
Sign seen when crossing into Washington from Idaho: Keep driving. It gets better.
Why do Washington State uniforms have the school's name printed on them?
To make sure none of their players try to defect as the game wears on.
Q: What's a Cougar's idea of foreplay?
A: "Hey, sis, roll over!"
Q: What does a WSU woman tell her lover when she's done with sex?
A: "Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"